top and bottom

Now I am 30's.
I am still "bottom" though.

Actually I sometime feel that I wanna be "cool top guy", but whenever I have a chance of having relationship with someone,
I stop trying to be "top".

That is just because "bottom" is "feel extremely good" about both physically and mentally...

At the moment I am invited to go to bed by someone, I feel excited !!
And then at the moment I get to know I am dominated by someone and I cannot run away from him, my pleasure becomes higher...

But as soon as the affair is done, my feeling changes suddenly and I wanna leave from him...
every time I feel like that...

From this fact my friend said that I am so weird , like half man and half woman !

Anyway, I cannot stop being "bottom" for a while...

I cannot stop feeling to be fucked with him

I really miss him, who is Thai and live in bangkok, but it is likely that there is no choice but to think about him because I am drunk...

Now I enjoy drinking red wine, and this kind of wine is made in Greek???
ummm I'm not sure about that...

Had I better to call him? I have no idea wheteher it is good or not.

I know we cannot make the relationship of the sort of lover...

But I just wanna listen to his voice...

I don't know why I cannot stop thinking him.

But now I strongly feel to see him, and then wanna be fucked with him.

"Memoirs of a Geisha"

Last sunday I hung out with my friend, and then bought one DVD of movie in China town, which was just only 2 bucks...
Of course I recognize that is an illegal copied thing, and the English subtitle was completely wrong, maybe another movie's was used incorrectly haha...

That's what I really wanted to watch, which was "Memoirs of a Geisha" !!

And then we enjoyed to watch it in my room.

It was pretty fun in various meanings.

First of all,one Japanese actress, who was supporting role as the owner of the Geisha house, incredibly impressed me.

Her name is Momoi Kaori, who is very famous particularly about her outstanding skill of performance.

Her way of speaking English, such as very Japanese accent, and very "okami"(the meaning here is the owner of the Geisha house ) -like intonation would also be helpful to show her role more mean and then make the story have more reality.

Anyway the scene I was extremely surprised about was...

that she checked whether the geisya, who was the most popular in her shop at that time, had had sex secretly with the geisya's lover or not, by putting her finger from the hem of the geisya's kimono into the geisya's secret place (pussy...haha) silently and quickly...

Next, I felt really interested about that my friend talked about the geisyas's way of make-up, decoration of their hairs, kimono, and so on.

Actually he is the half between Japanese and French, and I guess his background is affected by Western culture more than Japanese's. (he cannot speak Japanese though can speak both of English and French)

But he seemed to know more about Japanese these things than me...



ummmh, this movie's title in Japan is "SAYURI" which is the name of main role,
but the original title in English is "Memoirs of a Geisha".

Needless to say the story describes about Japan, but actually I felt the beauty of "the Orient" including "China" more than "Japan" about the whole of the story.

I guess, however, it was what the director "Stephen Spielberg" wanted to describe...

Finally I want to introduce the deeply emotional scene from YOU TUBE...

poutine is sort of drug...

today's dinner is "poutine" and beer...

But I extremely am scared about poutine...

Oh my god, even if I work very hard about doing exercise at the gym,
that kind of food easily would make my body fatter quite fast...

I investigated about the orijgin of this food...

From the wikipedia, this is originated in Montreal ,made as French style fast food.

It is mixed with a lot of french fries, cheese, gravy sauce, and extra ingredients such as chicken or mushrooms,
and then added with ketchup, vinegar, and so on...

I cannot help but say poutine is definitely harmful for my health.

But the part of me somewhere feels " um....delicious ..."

My reason understands that is absolutely dangerous, but on the other hand,
my emotion feels it has such a nice flavor...

Oh, is it sort of drug ???

Even if we rationally recognize we should not eat it, my instinct has a strong desire about getting it into our mouth !!

Skitzo - Despicable Me

very adorable!!!

The singer in this video above is Thai male singer, and his name is "BEW PONGPIPAT".

First of all, I really love Thai language's accent ^.^
It is very cute, lovely, adorable, charming... yes, these types of adjectives may be very ideal for describing it.

And then, this kind of Thai music is one of my favorite, you know, which is traditional and moody.

What's more, I am fond of "BEW"'s voice !!
In my opinion he has quite excellent skill of singing, especially about making an intonation or toremolo adequately.

Oh... this song reminds me of Thailand so much...

were these LOVE ???

this pic is completely not related to what I want to write now...haha

ok, I begin to write now...

You know, I haven't loved anyone, and needles to say, haven't had a kind of "LOVER" for a while.

Yes, for a "very" while.
(I have no idea whether this phrase is correct or not in English...)

There are 2 thai guys, however, who shook my heart for this 1 year.

One guy was, 23years old, slim,tall and had the shiny, medium-long hair.

He usually wore the tight type of jeans which was fashionable in Bangkok at that time,
and made him look sexier.

What was more, he had very smooth skin and tidy body, and when I was fucked with him 2 times, I couldn't stop touching his back by not my palms.

maybe I wanted to just make him have the feeling of the sort of love to me...
besides, I just wanted a friend, who taught my homework of Thai language I studied then...

The other guy was Thai as well, and he was 30's, looked straight and masculine, whose color of skin was attractive, dark brown.

He had excellent skill about "fucking", that's why I didn't feel a sort of pain at all during the affairs, and he made me feel "unforgettable" pleasure...

Actually I didn't feel jealous about another guys who would sleep with him.
In another words, it didn't matter for me whether he had sex with whoever or not.

But he was maybe important for me at that time, because he reduced me to feel loneliness in Bangkok...

When I left Bangkok, I couldn't help but cry, thinking about my destiny that I couldn't see him for a long time.

He still doesn't know he made me cry...

these feellings I had then weren't LOVE, weren't they ???

LOVE is bit different from that we miss someone ,right?
In other words, the feeling we miss someone is not enough for LOVE, right?

When I was young, I didn't have any doubt about the meaning of LOVE.

The older I am, the more complicated the definition of the word LOVE becomes.

Jennifer Hudson & Jennifer Holliday Duet (RARE)

Amazing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

which person do you think sings better???

I cannot decide that actually.....

Anyway, I am old enough because I know well that what a marvelous voice Jennifer Holiday has...haha

I need real LOVE

Love is painful? or delightful?

In fact I am not sure about that, because I almost forget the feeling of "loving" someone.

Actually I have never had the opportunity of falling in love with guys for a long time.

As I get older, maybe I feel thrilled less about love...

Even now I have rather many chances of seeing nice guys, but I cannot be crazy about them, like I am shaken to feel of dominating them or cannot sleep at all because of jealous...

But I myself may disturb of loving someone before I begin to get hurt by them...

I definitely wanna love someone.

Someone's genuine heart is needed for me.

I should be more brave, and must not be afraid about feeling pain because love is broken, so that I can get a passionate love...

foreigner's english is...

I still think it's quite hard to understand what non-native speakers speak in english even if they are such a fluent english speaker.

especially I am not good at
ummmm... some indian,arabic,brazilian, mexican...

they can speak as almost fast as native speakers.
On the other hand, I cannot catch many words even if I pay attention greatly about listning to what they say.

what is the problem?

is this about their pronounciation?
or...
is my ability of conversation still bad?

Anyhow I cannot recognize what they speak word by word so much, and what's worse, their speed is always very quick.

I know, however, most of native speakers and even non native but good speakers can communicate with them.

In addition to that, my speaking may be difficult to understand for them as well.
I guess they feel my way of speaking english is very japanese !!

How can I get to communicate with all of english speakers regardless of their race and accent ???

yummy but harmful for "men's beauty"

I love to have sex !!!

Sex is ,,,passionate.

At the same time, sweets and alcohol are awesome !!!



Actually I have had the bad habit of eating "ice cream" and "red wine" together after coming to Toronto...

oh it's too bad, and in other words, I am not allowed to eat them together !

This is such a big guilt.

Yes, i know well that "to be fat" is ...sin.

But I have known red wine and ice cream match incredibly !

This temptation is quite as strong as the sex with athlete sexy soccer player who wears stinky socks...haha

ummmmh who knows how to stop eating these together ???

That is just because I don't wanna reduce the effect of having exercise in gym hard...

cooking and love

one of my hobby is cooking,

But I don't have someone who has a special relationship (like I cook for him everyday...)
with me for a long time,
maybe that's why my cooking skill hasn't improved very much, haha.




anyway, today I cook "meatsauce"(bolonaise ??? in Italian) and then
boiled "penne" , and then finally made a sort of pasta dish which was added with mayonaise, and cheese.

My idea that added them was not so bad !
Actually the sauce's taste was um... nice .
Originally something might not be enough for that sauce, and maybe I guessed that was exactly salt...

That was why I chose mayonaise, and cheese for adding sort of "depth" for the taste.
( I have no idea that how can be said about "depth" for the taste...)

In next turn very horrible thing was happend though...

Pennne was not boiled adequately...
I mean that was still hard !!!

Oh my god !!!
If I cook that for my lover, he would surely judge I was not so good at cooking even if I said my hooby was cooking...

Anyway, I always cannot cook almost every kind of pasta...

Whenever I cook that, the taste cannot satisfy me.
But I am not sure what is exactly the reason for.

I personally think it's cooler to be able to cook "western food" than " japanese old fashioned menu"...

On the other hand, it might be said that kind of idea is old fashioned by itself,
plus I might be "old enough" to think that...

Anyhow, I really want to get someone who can be pleased to eat whatever I cooked for him...

how can I have fun with white guys ???

Last night I went to the bathhouse because I felt very very horny...haha



However, there were completely... absolutely not hot guys there...

That was, you know, like a haunted house... all of them were very old, fat, ugly...
they reminded me sort of ghost !!!

Oh, I am not so cool as I can criticize them strongly...haha

Besides, I have one huge question for gay society in this country.

How and where do young cute white guys find cool guys ???

On the web ??? On the church street ???

um... I have no idea about that.

Anyway, in my opinion from what I saw for this 1 month here
that they rarely use "bathhouse" for looking for boyfriends, sex friends, or one night stands...

Moreover I guess they don't prefer to have the kind of relationship as "one night stand" .

Can't I have sex with hot white guys just because I am not attractive ???

Yeah I'm sure usually white guys are not attracted to asian guys.

I feel that many times !! And then there is no other choice, I have to accept it.

But I rarely can even see them in a sort of gay places !!

I am eager to be fucked with sexy white guy passionately, like an AV ...

I cannot help but imagine that situation though...haha

important word for love

I feel lonely just now, and his face and voice occur to me... but I don't know why...

he is thai guy, and I am not sure I love him or not, but I really wanna hear his voice.

so how can I make my feeling calm down???

he said to me "I love you very much" many times, that's why now I think about him,,,

It means that I am just a very lonely 30's guy???

However... his words may not be true, and he might say that words just because he wanted to fuck me or get money from me...

I know that, and moreover it doesn't matter.

when we try to organize LOVE, word is very meaningful and important,isn't it???

anyway, now I try to call him to thailand...
but I hesitate to push button... because he may not hang up my call, or I call him just because I feel lonely and I just may not wanna talk to him...
meanwhile, I really hate me that I think a lot to that...

even it's just calling a guy...

wanna feel ecstasy

In toronto I have a big problem about food...

Actually it is very very difficult for me to be moved by very yummy food here...

You know, Toronto is very international city, that's why we can have various kinds of restaurant from all over the world.

Lebanese, and Jamaican food are especially my favorite kinds, and these are nice !!!

But I felt sort of ecstasy about several kinds of local foods in Bangkok almost everyday...

Sometimes these were more than ecstasy about sex...haha.

Meanwhile, Toronto's food is... not so bad, but not so good everywhere...

This is one of the reason that I cook often by myself...

for example, today's menu is, thai red curry, cheese omlet, and celery salad


I wanna feel good and go into top of ecstasy

I need good sweets in toronto

I really miss that chocolate cake in Dubai 2 months ago^.^
It was very very very very yummy !!!!!




Anyway...oh... I haven't had good sweets lately !!

At cafes in Toronto, there are many kinds of cookies or brownies or muffins...

but in my opinion they are more pricy than they should be !!
(one item is around more than 2bucks...)

they usually are not so tasty... just only "very sweet" and that's it!!!

That's why I wanna recommend you asian sweets in china town.

My favorite is BUBBLE TEA, which is fruity and sweet naturally, and then cheap, haha.

However, I really wanna eat nice, western cakes!!!

They must have smooth sponges, are covered by silky whip cream, are decorated with cute fruits, and be as beautiful as we cannot help but sigh about their shapes ...

Ant then the problem is...
I don't know where

how can I get the fluency of english???

I strongly doubt when I can be a good english speaker...

Now I am thinking that, just because I usually can't give back exact replies to native speakers of english quickly
when they suddenly talk to me.

if I had more 30 seconds, I could reply better answer to them....
I should have said like that...

I always feel depressed like that whenever some strangers talk to me in the town.

I'm sure exercise of speaking foreign language is similar about muscle training.
It means that takes very long time to achieve the goal...

But I need intense. I can't wait it anymore.
ah..... how can I do ???